I am tired of...
being depressed, feeling lost, feeling broken, being in pain.
Tired of...
not being the man I once was, of not being the man my family needs me to be.
Tired of...
being scared, directionless, not finishing what I start.
Tired of...
being tired.
The past 2 years have been some of the worst in my life. Right up there with my exodus from Arizona and all that entails. Dont get me wrong, I love my family and am thankful to have them, but for me personally this shit is getting old. I dont know what to do, or where to turn. I just wanna give up, and hide in a cave.
How do you start over when you cant do anything you used to. When you cant do the things you have always done, the things that you are good at. When your life has been rocks, bikes, boards, art, and working with your hands, and suddenly you find yourself unable to do them. What do you do, where do you go? I am not a suit and tie guy, I am not a smile and blow sunshine up your arse guy. I am a lets get dirty and do work guy.
Lost and confused, I feel like the shell of what used to be.
I used to be an adventurer like you until I took an arrow to the knee...
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Its time to get honest
I havent written much in the last month. Not much at all. there was a day last week in the mountains where I worked on a lot of the structure and framework for my book. You know the book that started off like a fury, and is now collecting dust.
Come to think about it, I havent done much of anything this last month. Barely looked for a job.I have hardly played any video games, done very little writing, I have eaten alot of food, and slept alot, watched a ton of TV, which is something I rarely do.
Depression is a bitch. Couple that with the fear of screwing everything up like I always do and you got a super hot mess. A month or two ago I realized that the loss of my firefighting career, and the injury to my shoulder had caused a massive depression. I thought that by acknowledging the depression I would be golden. That by changing up meds, I would be free of the dark cloud and free to move forward with life. If only it were that easy.
I dwell on failures, instead of seeing all of my success. I screwed up a career in the military, I got divorced, I left my child with her mom, I blew a career with an environmental technology company, I have succumbed to drugs, I have an addiction problem, I failed as a firefighter, I failed as an emt, I cant hold a job.All I see are the screw ups in my life.
I dont see that fact that I worked on $18 million dollar aircraft, that I have 3 amazing children, am happily married. How about all the lives I saved in my short time as a firefighter.
Why do I dwell on my screw ups? Why do I let fear over take me? Why did I let a career ending injury sick my into the depths of despair? Why cant I get my shit together? How did I go from fearless badass that climbed mountains and screamed down hills on a skateboard, to a guy that lives at a computer afraid to shake off the crap and move forward again?
Something has to give. At some point the warrior inside me needs to break free of this cage. Somehow I need to remember who I am, what I can do. At some point I need to start taking some steps forward. Because if I dont, I will not be setting the proper example for my kids, and I will not be giving my wife 100% of me. and they deserve the best from me.
Somehow I must break free of the trap that I find myself in.
Come to think about it, I havent done much of anything this last month. Barely looked for a job.I have hardly played any video games, done very little writing, I have eaten alot of food, and slept alot, watched a ton of TV, which is something I rarely do.
Depression is a bitch. Couple that with the fear of screwing everything up like I always do and you got a super hot mess. A month or two ago I realized that the loss of my firefighting career, and the injury to my shoulder had caused a massive depression. I thought that by acknowledging the depression I would be golden. That by changing up meds, I would be free of the dark cloud and free to move forward with life. If only it were that easy.
I dwell on failures, instead of seeing all of my success. I screwed up a career in the military, I got divorced, I left my child with her mom, I blew a career with an environmental technology company, I have succumbed to drugs, I have an addiction problem, I failed as a firefighter, I failed as an emt, I cant hold a job.All I see are the screw ups in my life.
I dont see that fact that I worked on $18 million dollar aircraft, that I have 3 amazing children, am happily married. How about all the lives I saved in my short time as a firefighter.
Why do I dwell on my screw ups? Why do I let fear over take me? Why did I let a career ending injury sick my into the depths of despair? Why cant I get my shit together? How did I go from fearless badass that climbed mountains and screamed down hills on a skateboard, to a guy that lives at a computer afraid to shake off the crap and move forward again?
Something has to give. At some point the warrior inside me needs to break free of this cage. Somehow I need to remember who I am, what I can do. At some point I need to start taking some steps forward. Because if I dont, I will not be setting the proper example for my kids, and I will not be giving my wife 100% of me. and they deserve the best from me.
Somehow I must break free of the trap that I find myself in.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Fall is upon us
Fall has to be my favorite time of year. The leaves changing colors and falling to the ground to be recycled by mother nature. Brisk winds bringing in cooler air. It just feels like a refreshing change that initiates a level of creativity in me that lasts through the winter. Coffee smells better, and is more refreshing, hot chocolate and pumpkin spice lattes are perfect drinks to bring in cooler evenings. And everything just seems busier, as people and animals alike prepare for winter.
for me in also brings a time of reflection. A time where I look at my life and the past year and reflect on what I have or havent accomplished. Unfortunately for me this year brings a sense of melancholy. As i have done so little this year. I havent held a steady job since my shoulder injury as a firefighter. I live with pain every day which leaves me incapable of doing the types of jobs that I am normally good at. Which leaves me questioning what I can do. I have always been a big physical man, who excelled at manual labor, and lived for being outdoors climbing rocks, or careening crazily on some time of human powered apparatus.
Now I am lost. I dont know what to do, my stupid pride preventing me from sucking it up and working some mundane job that I feel is beneath me. Even though just working at a gas station would help our family immensely. I feel lost as I dont know what to do in place of crazy extreme sports that kept me active and fit.
I feel lost, and I dont know how to take the first step to get back to my days of confidence.
I have been reading books by successful people, like Richard Branson, and following motivational speakers and people on twitter, yet I still feel stuck. Which is even worse because I know what needs to be done. I know the steps that need to be taken, yet i cant seem to get my feet to move. I shuffle towards the first step only to stop. Something has got to give, something in my head needs to snap out of it, or I will be nothing more than a person remembered for wasted potential. A person that got knocked done and was to scared to get back up. And that isnt me, I have always been a fighter. I fought to get in the military, I fought to become a firefighter. I fought to back it to the age I am today. Yet I have let a shoulder injury knock me down, and keep me down.
All around me the leaves are falling. As they fall I realize it is time for me to get back up, brush my knees off, and start taking steps forward. They may be small steps at first but at least they would be steps. I owe it to my kids, my wife, and most importantly to me.
for me in also brings a time of reflection. A time where I look at my life and the past year and reflect on what I have or havent accomplished. Unfortunately for me this year brings a sense of melancholy. As i have done so little this year. I havent held a steady job since my shoulder injury as a firefighter. I live with pain every day which leaves me incapable of doing the types of jobs that I am normally good at. Which leaves me questioning what I can do. I have always been a big physical man, who excelled at manual labor, and lived for being outdoors climbing rocks, or careening crazily on some time of human powered apparatus.
Now I am lost. I dont know what to do, my stupid pride preventing me from sucking it up and working some mundane job that I feel is beneath me. Even though just working at a gas station would help our family immensely. I feel lost as I dont know what to do in place of crazy extreme sports that kept me active and fit.
I feel lost, and I dont know how to take the first step to get back to my days of confidence.
I have been reading books by successful people, like Richard Branson, and following motivational speakers and people on twitter, yet I still feel stuck. Which is even worse because I know what needs to be done. I know the steps that need to be taken, yet i cant seem to get my feet to move. I shuffle towards the first step only to stop. Something has got to give, something in my head needs to snap out of it, or I will be nothing more than a person remembered for wasted potential. A person that got knocked done and was to scared to get back up. And that isnt me, I have always been a fighter. I fought to get in the military, I fought to become a firefighter. I fought to back it to the age I am today. Yet I have let a shoulder injury knock me down, and keep me down.
All around me the leaves are falling. As they fall I realize it is time for me to get back up, brush my knees off, and start taking steps forward. They may be small steps at first but at least they would be steps. I owe it to my kids, my wife, and most importantly to me.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Protection or preparation
Lets start with the news...A school district in Cali has hired a company to keep an eye on its student bodies social networking account. They school district claims it is to help protect the students by looking for signs of suicide, or violence. They claim that well here read all about it yourself, as I am not a news source I am a crazy persons opinions....School spies on its student body.
OK now lets get to my opinionated ramblings. First I am a father of 3, one is 14 and in middle school. I am also a person who enjoys his privacy and I cant stand when someone I don't want in my business starts prying. At the same time i believe that if you have nothing to hide then you got nothing to worry about.
Part of me feels that in this case, its a good thing. Especially since we are going through a period of time in which parents have no clue whats going on with their kids, or just don't care to actually do the job that they signed up for when they brought kids into this world. Think I am wrong, then tell me how many of these shoot everyone up crazy people had parents that didn't say "Oh not my Johnny he was such a sweet good boy." Yeah that's what I thought. Better yet why is a video game, and its creators being blamed when an 8 yr old is allowed to play Grand Theft Auto and then has access to a hand gun?
If you are not going to play the role of parent, if you are not going to take an active role in your child's life then someone else needs to. Not only to protect your child but to protect those around him/ her. So if this school district can prevent a school shooting or help walk a child away from the edge of suicide then so be it. These children are the future of our planet and someone has to protect that investment. Especially the teachers and principals that spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with our children. In a lot of cases that's a heck of a lot more time than a lot of parents spend with their kids. Like I said if your not gonna step up and do your job, someone else needs to.
So this could be a good thing, as long as the company doing the searching is not abusing its findings, or a students privacy. Not that I believe anyone under the age of 18 has a right to privacy. Of course I grew up in a place where everyone knows everyone and everyone's parents protected and parented every kid in the community. My concern would be the company using their findings to sell information to other companies, or to do some other kind of unethical things. While they are keeping an eye on the students who is keeping an eye on them?
Which brings me to the other side of the coin. Is this a purely innocent, we want to protect the students kind of action or is this a we want to prepare them for a life with no privacy? Is this the next step in getting people to accept that they live in a country where drones are common place, and that some 3 letter government agency is listening to your phone calls or reading your emails? I guess that depends on you and how much you truly believe that the government is out to spy on you. Which again comes down to what do you have to hide.
What are your thoughts on the subject? Is this a good thing? Or is it one more step to creating a country run by Martial Law?
“Those who surrender freedom for security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.” Benjamin Franklin
Monday, September 9, 2013
All your body belong to us
Washington D.C. lawmakers, particularly the dept. of health has introduced a proposal to make it mandatory for you to wait 24 hrs. before you can get a tattoo. Meaning you walk into the shop, consult your artist, then set an appointment for 24 hrs. later. Now this is how many people do it already, they set up consultations with an artist and begin a process to make sure that they get the right tattoo in the right place. Thats how my dad did it with both of his. Me, I am the guy who walks in and says I want this here, and i get it done. And yes i do have a couple of tattoos that I wish I would have thought through a little more, and I am sure I am not the only one.
so this proposal makes getting a tattoo much like getting a gun, with a waiting period. The problem I have with this is two fold. One, it is my body, my canvas, my way of expressing myself. If I want to put something stupid on my body who are you, the government, to tell me I cant or I have to wait? When did you become my mother? Are there people out there that should have waited, of course. is it the governments job to enforce that, no. If you are dumb enough to go to a cheap shop and get something ridiculous on your face, go for it. You have to live with it, no one else.
Number two, for me this feels like the start of the government trying to take ownership of our bodies. I know it sounds all tin foil hat conspiracy like, but hear me out. you buy a cell phone from your carrier. but you are not allowed to tweak it in anyway. you are not allowed to use Verizon's phones with AT&T. if your jail break or root your phone, your warranty is void, and if something happens to the phone they will not replace it. On top of that I am now locked into a two year contract with whatever carrier I purchased the phone with. So do you really own that phone?
Now if the government starts saying you cant get a tattoo until you have really thought about it, how long before they say, you cant get a tattoo on your face, or your hands? or that if you get a tattoo it cant be religious in nature and cant be visible. This is right on line with New York saying you cant purchase a 32oz soda, because it will make you fat. Should we cut back on our junk food intake? Sure, should we think long and hard before we get a tattoo? Sure, is it the governments responsibility, or right, to make these decisions for us? Hell no, I am a grown man, I moved out from under my mothers wing when I turned eighteen. She can no longer tell me what to do with my body, and neither should the government.
Part of life is making big stupid mistakes and learning from them. When you take that away, you are not only taking away personal freedoms, but you are playing the role of God by trying to decide how my life should be lived for me.
so this proposal makes getting a tattoo much like getting a gun, with a waiting period. The problem I have with this is two fold. One, it is my body, my canvas, my way of expressing myself. If I want to put something stupid on my body who are you, the government, to tell me I cant or I have to wait? When did you become my mother? Are there people out there that should have waited, of course. is it the governments job to enforce that, no. If you are dumb enough to go to a cheap shop and get something ridiculous on your face, go for it. You have to live with it, no one else.
Number two, for me this feels like the start of the government trying to take ownership of our bodies. I know it sounds all tin foil hat conspiracy like, but hear me out. you buy a cell phone from your carrier. but you are not allowed to tweak it in anyway. you are not allowed to use Verizon's phones with AT&T. if your jail break or root your phone, your warranty is void, and if something happens to the phone they will not replace it. On top of that I am now locked into a two year contract with whatever carrier I purchased the phone with. So do you really own that phone?
Now if the government starts saying you cant get a tattoo until you have really thought about it, how long before they say, you cant get a tattoo on your face, or your hands? or that if you get a tattoo it cant be religious in nature and cant be visible. This is right on line with New York saying you cant purchase a 32oz soda, because it will make you fat. Should we cut back on our junk food intake? Sure, should we think long and hard before we get a tattoo? Sure, is it the governments responsibility, or right, to make these decisions for us? Hell no, I am a grown man, I moved out from under my mothers wing when I turned eighteen. She can no longer tell me what to do with my body, and neither should the government.
Part of life is making big stupid mistakes and learning from them. When you take that away, you are not only taking away personal freedoms, but you are playing the role of God by trying to decide how my life should be lived for me.
Self reflection
I hate feeling uncreative, and uninspired. I really do...its frustrating to no end. I haven't written a gaming blog post in forever, work on my book has come to a screeching halt. I want to write, I want to say something about anything, but the brain just keeps drawing blanks. the thing is that with this bout of blockage I know what is causing it.
A couple of weeks ago the wife and I saw a lawyer about getting on disability. Three years ago I was a firefighter/EMT and i suffered a career ending injury to my shoulder. I had surgery and unbeknownst to me I spiraled into a great depression. My shoulder is still FUBAR, and i cant do the things i used to love to do. I looked at myself as being broken, and I was, but in a different way. Since the injury I have wallowed in self pity, and havent held a job for more than a couple of months. Whether it was due to pain, or feeling that the job was below me, a man who has saved countless lives. Anyway I digress. So We saw the lawyer and then I got my meds changed....not at the same time. Both are significant in what is happening now.
I have always been an artist, drawing, painting, tattoos, sculpting, no that my shoulder is jacked I cant do those things without causing great pain to my shoulder. So I turned to writing as my creative outlet. Surprisingly I am pretty good at it. Within two months after starting a video game blog, I got offered a writers position for a video gamer site. I started writing a book that people just cant seem to get enough of. Sorry guys I promise the book will get finished.
I was on a roll. And I was busy. then the meds and lawyer hit, and this period of self reflection started. All writing screeched to a halt. I am okay with this as far as the game journalist thing goes, but not when it comes to this book. The story has been bouncing around in my head for ages and it needs to be told. The problem is I started coming out of this depression and realized that I have squandered the last 2-3 years. I have not been contributing to the family financially. I have been acting in childish fashion concerned only with myself and my pity.
Now as I look at what I am truly passionate about, as I look to where I feel my focus should be, I realize that it is my family. That is all that matters. I want my children to have what I never did as a kid. I want my wife to have her house, I want for us to be comfortable. To do that I need to work. Because this whole disability thing aint gonna happen overnight. Neither is writing a book that may or may not be a success.
no the writing, the journalism, podcasts, all those little projects I dabble in need to be hobbies, they need to be something i do for fun. Because what I need to do is be the father, husband, leader of my family. My children are my legacy, they are what I leave behind. SO I need to work, and the thing I am realizing is it doesnt matter where I work, as long as i do. Yes the kids may think it is cool if i do this or that. But the day will come when all that matters in their eyes, and my wife's, is that i worked to provide a stable and comfortable home life for my family.
do I want to do something grand and glorious with my life, of course. I am a Sagittarius and a dreamer. But I need to keep my feet planted in reality and remember what is truly important in life. The family has to come first, and the dreams and dabbling will follow.
A couple of weeks ago the wife and I saw a lawyer about getting on disability. Three years ago I was a firefighter/EMT and i suffered a career ending injury to my shoulder. I had surgery and unbeknownst to me I spiraled into a great depression. My shoulder is still FUBAR, and i cant do the things i used to love to do. I looked at myself as being broken, and I was, but in a different way. Since the injury I have wallowed in self pity, and havent held a job for more than a couple of months. Whether it was due to pain, or feeling that the job was below me, a man who has saved countless lives. Anyway I digress. So We saw the lawyer and then I got my meds changed....not at the same time. Both are significant in what is happening now.
I have always been an artist, drawing, painting, tattoos, sculpting, no that my shoulder is jacked I cant do those things without causing great pain to my shoulder. So I turned to writing as my creative outlet. Surprisingly I am pretty good at it. Within two months after starting a video game blog, I got offered a writers position for a video gamer site. I started writing a book that people just cant seem to get enough of. Sorry guys I promise the book will get finished.
I was on a roll. And I was busy. then the meds and lawyer hit, and this period of self reflection started. All writing screeched to a halt. I am okay with this as far as the game journalist thing goes, but not when it comes to this book. The story has been bouncing around in my head for ages and it needs to be told. The problem is I started coming out of this depression and realized that I have squandered the last 2-3 years. I have not been contributing to the family financially. I have been acting in childish fashion concerned only with myself and my pity.
Now as I look at what I am truly passionate about, as I look to where I feel my focus should be, I realize that it is my family. That is all that matters. I want my children to have what I never did as a kid. I want my wife to have her house, I want for us to be comfortable. To do that I need to work. Because this whole disability thing aint gonna happen overnight. Neither is writing a book that may or may not be a success.
no the writing, the journalism, podcasts, all those little projects I dabble in need to be hobbies, they need to be something i do for fun. Because what I need to do is be the father, husband, leader of my family. My children are my legacy, they are what I leave behind. SO I need to work, and the thing I am realizing is it doesnt matter where I work, as long as i do. Yes the kids may think it is cool if i do this or that. But the day will come when all that matters in their eyes, and my wife's, is that i worked to provide a stable and comfortable home life for my family.
do I want to do something grand and glorious with my life, of course. I am a Sagittarius and a dreamer. But I need to keep my feet planted in reality and remember what is truly important in life. The family has to come first, and the dreams and dabbling will follow.
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