Its time to get honest

I havent written much in the last month. Not much at all. there was a day last week in the mountains where I worked on a lot of the structure and framework for my book. You know the book that started off like a fury, and is now collecting dust.

Come to think about it, I havent done much of anything this last month. Barely looked for a job.I have hardly played any video games, done very little writing, I have eaten alot of food, and slept alot, watched a ton of TV, which is something I rarely do.

Depression is a bitch. Couple that with the fear of screwing everything up like I always do and you got a super hot mess. A month or two ago I realized that the loss of my firefighting career, and the injury to my shoulder had caused a massive depression. I thought that by acknowledging the depression I would be golden. That by changing up meds, I would be free of the dark cloud and free to move forward with life. If only it were that easy.

I dwell on failures, instead of seeing all of my success. I screwed up a career in the military, I got divorced, I left my child with her mom, I blew a career with an environmental technology company, I have succumbed to drugs, I have an addiction problem, I failed as a firefighter, I failed as an emt, I cant hold a job.All I see are the screw ups in my life.

I dont see that fact that I worked on $18 million dollar aircraft, that I have 3 amazing children, am happily married. How about all the lives I saved in my short time as a firefighter.

Why do I dwell on my screw ups? Why do I let fear over take me? Why did I let a career ending injury sick my into the depths of despair? Why cant I get my shit together? How did I go from fearless badass that climbed mountains and screamed down hills on a skateboard, to a guy that lives at a computer afraid to shake off the crap and move forward again?

Something has to give. At some point the warrior inside me needs to break free of this cage. Somehow I need to remember who I am, what I can do. At some point I need to start taking some steps forward. Because if I dont, I will not be setting the proper example for my kids, and I will not be giving my wife 100% of me. and they deserve the best from me.

Somehow I must break free of the trap that I find myself in.