Self reflection

I hate feeling uncreative, and uninspired. I really do...its frustrating to no end. I haven't written a gaming blog post in forever, work on my book has come to a screeching halt. I want to write, I want to say something about anything, but the brain just keeps drawing blanks. the thing is that with this bout of blockage I know what is causing it.

A couple of weeks ago the wife and I saw a lawyer about getting on disability. Three years ago I was a firefighter/EMT and i suffered a career ending injury to my shoulder. I had surgery and unbeknownst to me I spiraled into a great depression. My shoulder is still FUBAR, and i cant do the things i used to love to do. I looked at myself as being broken, and I was, but in a different way. Since the injury I have wallowed in self pity, and havent held a job for more than a couple of months. Whether it was due to pain, or feeling that the job was below me, a man who has saved countless lives. Anyway I digress. So We saw the lawyer and then I got my meds changed....not at the same time. Both are significant in what is happening now.

I have always been an artist, drawing, painting, tattoos, sculpting, no that my shoulder is jacked I cant do those things without causing great pain to my shoulder. So I turned to writing as my creative outlet. Surprisingly I am pretty good at it. Within two months after starting a video game blog, I got offered a writers position for a video gamer site. I started writing a book that people just cant seem to get enough of. Sorry guys I promise the book will get finished.

I was on a roll. And I was busy. then the meds and lawyer hit, and this period of self reflection started. All writing screeched to a halt. I am okay with this as far as the game journalist thing goes, but not when it comes to this book. The story has been bouncing around in my head for ages and it needs to be told. The problem is I started coming out of this depression and realized that I have squandered the last 2-3 years. I have not been contributing to the family financially. I have been acting in childish fashion concerned only with myself and my pity.

Now as I look at what I am truly passionate about, as I look to where I feel my focus should be, I realize that it is my family. That is all that matters. I want my children to have what I never did as a kid. I want my wife to have her house, I want for us to be comfortable. To do that I need to work. Because this whole disability thing aint gonna happen overnight. Neither is writing a book that may or may not be a success.

no the writing, the journalism, podcasts, all those little projects I dabble in need to be hobbies, they need to be something i do for fun. Because what I need to do is be the father, husband, leader of my family. My children are my legacy, they are what I leave behind. SO I need to work, and the thing I am realizing is it doesnt matter where I work, as long as i do. Yes the kids may think it is cool if i do this or that. But the day will come when all that matters in their eyes, and my wife's, is that i worked to provide a stable and comfortable home life for my family.

do I want to do something grand and glorious with my life, of course. I am a Sagittarius and a dreamer. But I need to keep my feet planted in reality and remember what is truly important in life. The family has to come first, and the dreams and dabbling will follow.