I am tired of...
being depressed, feeling lost, feeling broken, being in pain.
Tired of...
not being the man I once was, of not being the man my family needs me to be.
Tired of...
being scared, directionless, not finishing what I start.
Tired of...
being tired.
The past 2 years have been some of the worst in my life. Right up there with my exodus from Arizona and all that entails. Dont get me wrong, I love my family and am thankful to have them, but for me personally this shit is getting old. I dont know what to do, or where to turn. I just wanna give up, and hide in a cave.
How do you start over when you cant do anything you used to. When you cant do the things you have always done, the things that you are good at. When your life has been rocks, bikes, boards, art, and working with your hands, and suddenly you find yourself unable to do them. What do you do, where do you go? I am not a suit and tie guy, I am not a smile and blow sunshine up your arse guy. I am a lets get dirty and do work guy.
Lost and confused, I feel like the shell of what used to be.
I used to be an adventurer like you until I took an arrow to the knee...
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Its time to get honest
I havent written much in the last month. Not much at all. there was a day last week in the mountains where I worked on a lot of the structure and framework for my book. You know the book that started off like a fury, and is now collecting dust.
Come to think about it, I havent done much of anything this last month. Barely looked for a job.I have hardly played any video games, done very little writing, I have eaten alot of food, and slept alot, watched a ton of TV, which is something I rarely do.
Depression is a bitch. Couple that with the fear of screwing everything up like I always do and you got a super hot mess. A month or two ago I realized that the loss of my firefighting career, and the injury to my shoulder had caused a massive depression. I thought that by acknowledging the depression I would be golden. That by changing up meds, I would be free of the dark cloud and free to move forward with life. If only it were that easy.
I dwell on failures, instead of seeing all of my success. I screwed up a career in the military, I got divorced, I left my child with her mom, I blew a career with an environmental technology company, I have succumbed to drugs, I have an addiction problem, I failed as a firefighter, I failed as an emt, I cant hold a job.All I see are the screw ups in my life.
I dont see that fact that I worked on $18 million dollar aircraft, that I have 3 amazing children, am happily married. How about all the lives I saved in my short time as a firefighter.
Why do I dwell on my screw ups? Why do I let fear over take me? Why did I let a career ending injury sick my into the depths of despair? Why cant I get my shit together? How did I go from fearless badass that climbed mountains and screamed down hills on a skateboard, to a guy that lives at a computer afraid to shake off the crap and move forward again?
Something has to give. At some point the warrior inside me needs to break free of this cage. Somehow I need to remember who I am, what I can do. At some point I need to start taking some steps forward. Because if I dont, I will not be setting the proper example for my kids, and I will not be giving my wife 100% of me. and they deserve the best from me.
Somehow I must break free of the trap that I find myself in.
Come to think about it, I havent done much of anything this last month. Barely looked for a job.I have hardly played any video games, done very little writing, I have eaten alot of food, and slept alot, watched a ton of TV, which is something I rarely do.
Depression is a bitch. Couple that with the fear of screwing everything up like I always do and you got a super hot mess. A month or two ago I realized that the loss of my firefighting career, and the injury to my shoulder had caused a massive depression. I thought that by acknowledging the depression I would be golden. That by changing up meds, I would be free of the dark cloud and free to move forward with life. If only it were that easy.
I dwell on failures, instead of seeing all of my success. I screwed up a career in the military, I got divorced, I left my child with her mom, I blew a career with an environmental technology company, I have succumbed to drugs, I have an addiction problem, I failed as a firefighter, I failed as an emt, I cant hold a job.All I see are the screw ups in my life.
I dont see that fact that I worked on $18 million dollar aircraft, that I have 3 amazing children, am happily married. How about all the lives I saved in my short time as a firefighter.
Why do I dwell on my screw ups? Why do I let fear over take me? Why did I let a career ending injury sick my into the depths of despair? Why cant I get my shit together? How did I go from fearless badass that climbed mountains and screamed down hills on a skateboard, to a guy that lives at a computer afraid to shake off the crap and move forward again?
Something has to give. At some point the warrior inside me needs to break free of this cage. Somehow I need to remember who I am, what I can do. At some point I need to start taking some steps forward. Because if I dont, I will not be setting the proper example for my kids, and I will not be giving my wife 100% of me. and they deserve the best from me.
Somehow I must break free of the trap that I find myself in.
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